Murphy's Military Laws and Military Humor

The following conversation has been around awhile, but remains a good read. (Ed)







Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.

This is the Capain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert Your course.

No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.


This is a lighthouse. It's your call.

Rules of engagement: US Navy
1. Go to sea
2. Drink coffee
3. Deploy Marines

No inspection ready unit has ever passed in combat.
No combat ready unit has ever passed an inspection.

Loud sudden noises is a helicopter WILL get your attention.

Professionals are predictable, but the world is full of dangerous amateurs.

There is only one rule in war. When you win, you get to make up the rules.

It is a fact that helicopter tail rotors are instinctively drawn toward trees, stumps, rocks, etc.
While it may be possible to ward off this natural event some of the time, it cannot,
despite the best efforts of the crew, always be prevented. It's just what they do.

Letters from home are not always great.

If rear echelon troops are really happy, the front line troops probably do not have what they need.

Biggest lies you have heard before...

1. I put it in distribution...
2. Your pay will be straight at the end of the month
3. I know I left it right here on the top of my desk
4. Of course I can read a map!
5. It's on requisition
6. He's in the motor pool
7. I have to back to the rear
8. I don't give a #@*! If the general hears about this!
9. I need this for the old man right away!
10. I was here until midnight last night working on this.

Friendly fire.............isn't!

It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.

If the enemy is in range, so are you!

The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

If it moves, salute it; if it doesn't move, pick it up; if you can't pick it up, paint it.

Navy Law: If you can keep your head when all about you others are losing theirs, maybe you just don't understand the situation.

Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.

If the enemy is in range, so are you.

Tracers work both ways.

The one item you need is always in short supply.

"Aim towards the enemy" - Instructions on US Army rocket launcher.

Any ship can be a minesweeper - once.

There are more airplanes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.

Never share a foxhole with someone braver than you.

Professionals are predictable, but the world is full of dangerous amateurs.

Military intelligence can be a contradiction in terms.

Flashlights are tubular containers kept for the purpose of storing dead batteries.

Remember - the lowest bidder made your weapons system!

If you see a bomb disposal technician running, try to keep up with him!

Humor in Uniform

Do we all speak the same language?


Article 15
Cup of Joe

Captains Mast
Air Force

Powder Room
Time Out
Happy Meal
Vanilla Latte

Does anybody around here remember if I did anything this year?" An LTC preparing his Officer Evaluation Report support form.

Embedded media means "a report that is blown out of proportion"

Rules for dating a Drill Sergeant's daughter:

1. If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
2. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. IF you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them
3. As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Modern Military Terms:

Engage the Enemy means "to blow something up"

Surgical Strike means "to blow up something small"

Decapitate means "to blow up their leaders"

Collateral Damage means "to accidentally blow up something of theirs"

Friendly Fire means "to accidentally blow up something of ours"

Target of Opportunity means "to blow up something on a whim"

An Asset is "something that can be blown up"